I CAN'T SLEEP

And that makes me so angry.

A Xanax and a Tylenol PM and I am still tossing
and turning
and ruminating



mostly on my grandmother's passing and a lot of issues I have surrounding her death.

I bring it up mostly to get to the point that I am currently working on the "Emotional" portion of get Me healthy...I started seeing a therapist last week. I have now had 2 visits and I am very excited/scared/nervous/hopeful/worried about the process that is about to unfold.

I went all through today without a Xanax. And was hellbent on not taking one tonight. And then
I laid in bed
for
hours

UGH! I HATE NOT SLEEPING! What I hate even more than that is the fact that after years of searching for the right thing to help me sleep I now cannot take it for fear of causing brain damage to a yet unconceived (this is apparently not a word...)child. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

So I got up to watch the Colbert Report on Hulu. Which wouldn't work on the Playstation. So I tried it on the computer connected to the TV
and thenallthedumbelectronicdevicesquitworking

AHHHHH! So now I'm blogging.

I'll stop ranting for a moment and focus on some of the really great things that have happened in the last few weeks.

1. I've started working out regularly...cardio and yoga classes. Whoo hoo! Not seeing results, but just like the fact that I'm going.
2. I've started my summer nanny gig. I love this family and I love the extra dinero.
3. I've started therapy (see above).
4. I have some really amazing friends (and if you have a link to this blog because the REAL me gave it to you, you know who you are) who have lifted my spirits through sweet lunches and offers to help me celebrate turning THIRTY next week.
5. I have incredible family (and if you have a link to this blog because the REAL me gave it to you, you know who you are) who are constantly encouraging and praying for me...which is awesome since I seem to be ready to emotionally decapitate others members of my family right now. That seems a little strong...but there is a LOT of anger.
6. There are not words to describe the gift that my husband is to me. He is currently working on a way to celebrate my birthday and it's just precious.

I know God is good. I know Jesus loves me. Now I need them to show me their goodness and love through the gift of sleep. Which I am starting to feel MAY be possible...thanks to vomiting all of this out and eating peanut butter crackers. :-)

LOVE YOU ALL MORE THAN  YOU KNOW!!

xoxo,

Hoping in HIM