Radio Silence is Ending!

Since my last post was in early June I am incredibly doubtful that anyone is still reading or checking up on this blog. But that's ok. I need it as an outlet, so an outlet it shall be.

Since my last post I have continued on in therapy and completely weaned off of Xanax and the wonderful sleeping pills that we had finally found that worked for me. I mostly sleep alright. There are still nights I'm too keyed up to sleep. But for the most part if I wind down properly and remember to take my magnesium pills I get some decent rest.

Therapy has been reduced from once a week to once every 3 weeks. I am working on managing my anxiety/pride/control idol...which all seemed to be wrapped up with the same ugly threads.

This summer I managed to lose about 8 pounds....whoo hoo!!

This fall I have managed to gain it all back...plus some. Sad times.

In an effort to regain the lost ground and persevere on toward jeans sizes I haven't seen in a decade we have purchased a juicer and I am writing my own work out schedule. My goal is to daily (or at least weekly) post my journal (which I have just spent an hour creating).

Thanks for loving me well.

Much love to you all. XOXO

I CAN'T SLEEP

And that makes me so angry.

A Xanax and a Tylenol PM and I am still tossing
and turning
and ruminating

More Steps

3 days of cardio in a row.

Started seeing a therapist today.

Feeling truly HOPEful for the first time in months!

Beautiful Day

Hello, Summer!

I'm not sure why, but I think I'm having an attitude change. Maybe it's summer. I don't really know. But I am excited to get back to the gym and to start eating healthy. I'm not sure what that's going to look like. I've got friends doing the Clean Cleanse...but let's be honest. I'm not gonna stick to something like that.

Here's to a beautiful summer of getting beautifully healthy!

Progress

I have started a running program, Couch to 5K. I love that it has an app on my iPhone that tells me when to run and when to walk.  And it plays over my music. This week I am up to running six sets of 1.5 minutes with 2 minute walking breaks. The weather has been ah-mazing for running. Hoping I keep this up when the temp dials back up.

Gen Sin

I have realized in the last few weeks that I have some generational sin ("gen sin" - it's a cute rhyme but an ugly disease I will be glad to be rid of once we reach Glory!) I need to deal with and allow God to remove.  I am not saying "generational sin" to avoid taking responsibility for this sins, I am just recognizing that the sins I am battling have been battled by other women in my family. Maybe I can be part of their healing, too.

May

This week, had I stayed on track, I would have finished P90X. Clearly, I did not stay on track.

Weeellll

I managed to do ZERO P90X workouts in the last 2 weeks. AH-mazing. I have run several times with and without my husband. WHY!?! Why can't I stick with this? Starting fresh later today. Picking up where I should be...not backing up to what I missed. We'll see if that works.

And on a side note: I have deleted my last post because I'm afraid it was a bit melodramatic and I apparently did not convey things well. I am not doubting my salvation. I am frustrated that I am not as "spiritual" as others or as I would like to be. And I have no power on my own to fix that. And that frustrates me.

I also struggle with whether or not God will actually answer my prayers. I have a skewed view of him (*ahem* I have discussed this at length with some of you) as having favorites and acting accordingly. I know this is FALSE. However, I have had this view reinforced through several Christian leaders who show favoritism. Leaders that I trust/trusted. Yes. I am comparing God to fallen humans...but it's my frame of reference, and I'm working on it.

That being said, I had a wonderful time in prayer this morning and am thoroughly enjoying studying Hebrews.

Week 2 Update

Well. Week 2 came and went with a flurry. I did not see much moving on the scale...but I'm ok with that. I did something* all but 1 day this week. Twice I ran a mile and half instead of P90X.

Friday I made a poor choice and had a chocolate shake with lunch, and then had a margarita with chips and queso after 2 pieces of pizza and innumerable handfuls of kettle corn at a work function. Yep. You read all of that correctly.

It is so weird to me that I am a CONTROL FREAK in all other areas of my life. To the point my husband gets very frustrated with me. YET I cannot seem to control my eating . WHY!?! WHY!?! WHY!?! That doesn't make sense. What is going on subconsciously that I can't get a grip on living healthy?

Today is Sunday, and I just started Week 3 of P90X. I didn't do today's specific workout because I wanted to do Kenpo, which was one of the exercises I skipped this week.

Week 1 - Complete

Not a stellar showing, but a modest first attempt at P90X. I did complete Kenpo X today with the help of my incredible husband. I did not do the chest and back work out this week (at his suggestion) but instead went for a jog.

Still trying to do this in my own strength. When am I going to be able to surrender this?

Did not reach any goals this week. I realized with the way my weight fluxuates on any given day, I am going to need more like 2 week goals to see if there is any "real" movement on the scale.

Continued to dig into Hebrews this week. Goodness I love that book!

Irrational

I love Glee. I loved choir and drama and only wish I could have been as cool as this group. Rachel drives me crazy, and I wish they would dump Kurt's storyline...not because he is gay, but because he's an ass. Britney's one-liners make me laugh, but her storyline makes me sad because it seems her identity is wrapped up in sex.

p90x Days 2-3

Day 2
Success! I got up at 6am and completed the Cardio X work out! HARD! But I did a little of everything. Protein shake for breakfast and I was on my way!

Day 3 (today)
Fail! I felt puny at work all day and used that as an excuse not to finish today's work out. Do I feel poorly? Yes. Could I have done more today? I think so. I can't do push ups. For some reason I am SCARED to go all the way down. What is going to happen? I might fall flat on my face from 4 inches off the ground...what's the big deal? I don't know. But there it is. I did half of the Arms & Chest workout and then LESS than half of Ab Ripper X.

I fleshed out some of my fears and obsessions last night with my mom.

P90X

Holy poop. If I had any misconceptions about my current physical ability (read: INability) they were dispelled as I spent my first hour with Tony Horton via DVD. Good grief! I broke a sweat during that workout for the first time in MONTHS.

I'm not sure how hardcore I can be with P90X. I may have to mix in some of my Hip Hop Abs (also a Beachbody product). I do love me some Shaun T. :-) Though I do NOT foresee Insanity in my future!!

Hello World!

I sincerely doubt anyone on the outside is going to read this blog...and that is just fine! If someone stumbles on it and finds help or comfort, even better. This is an outlet for me to journal through my journey with the Lord as I ask Him to grow me in self-control and discipline in different areas of my life.

Welcome to the journey!